Vicky Kuperman Comedian & Writer
I didn’t see every movie released last year. I didn’t even see every movie nominated. This is a list of movie reviews, from worst to best, in my world, and in my opinion.
2010′s main character, Mark Wahlberg’s Chest, has been replaced by 2011′s main character, Ryan Gosling’s Close-up.
My reviews of the 20 movies I saw in 2011, from WORST to BEST!
20. Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part I – If you’ve ever been interested to know what a C-section looks like, or what it feels like to drink blood through a straw, then this movie is for you. Otherwise, it is the worst movie of the year.
19. The Muppets – The jokes that worked in 1989 still work! NOT.
18. The Dilemma – I really don’t understand one thing about this movie: WTF IS THE DILEMMA? There’s no dilemma! He could have just told his friend what was going on.
17. Horrible Bosses – Horrible. Movie.
16. Justin Bieber: Never Say Never – I watched it on a plane, on valium, and in spanish. So…it was great!
15. Our Idiot Brother – Save it for the plane.
14. Hangover 2 – The monkey is so funny! And Chow is, too! The rest of the movie isn’t. Instead of watching Hangover 2, Watch Hangover. Same movie, but way better.
13. Hall Pass – Christina Applegate is the best part of this movie.
12. Water For Elephants – The vampire, hollywood’s favorite blonde & the nazi from that tarantino movie all play it well. The elephant is cute. The story – eh.
11. Young Adult – Charlize Theron! I see you! I see you! You’re beautiful! You can’t fool me! Good script. No redeeming qualities of the main character. Patton Oswalt’s character is weird on top of weird on top of damaged on top of disturbing on top of weird. But the movie was okay. Save it for the home.
10. Moneyball – Good, but slower than a little league game. Which is a good thing if your Little League game has Brad Pitt standing around screaming at everyone.
9. Planet of the Apes – GREAT MOVIE! except the script. GREAT ACTING! except the people. But the APES were amazing. The facial expressions, the emotional evolution. Wow.
8. War Horse – I didn’t see the movie but I saw the play! The puppets were amazing! But take away the puppets and you have Seabiscuit. I bet.
7. Bridesmaids – Funny. Very funny. Well-acted. Great script. Great leading and supporting cast. Smart, clever, fun. Hopefully the next chick-based comedy won’t be about weddings.
6. Bad Teacher – Hilarious. Close to perfect script. Cameron Diaz plays it flawlessly. Funnier and better than Bridesmaids. Because women are about more than weddings! We’re also about breast implants, money, sleeping around and ruining other people’s lives. So there!
5. Girl With The Dragon Tattoo – I hate men. I was raped. I was tortured. Never again. Oh wait – I’m in a cottage with Daniel Craig? Ok, my clothes are off. Let’s go. I don’t have much time. I have to rest before we do this again. Oh, and also: I read the book. And thyat deedn’t hyappen like thyat! I see you! I see what you’re doing!
4. Ides of March – drool. drool. omg. what? wow. he’s hot. so is he. I’m getting dizzy. It’s like watching a tennis match. Where should I look next? Can the projectionist pause this for a sec? No seriously, I’m going to faint. Oh look! Philip Seymour Hoffman! Great actor.
3. Crazy Stupid Love – One of the best movies of the year. Some great writing, characters and twists. Ryan Gossling’s close-up deserves an Oscar.
2. The Descendants – George Clooney is not that appealing of a man in this. So you know he did a good job. Good movie. The actors were all great.
1. Midnight In Paris – Amazing script. Owen Wilson and his Lost Generation counterparts are superb. It makes you want to befriend a rich lesbian so you can sit in her parlor and gossip about who’s sleeping with whom.
Thank you!
PS: I saw The Artist, that film, you know the one, the one that, you know, won. It was good! It was great! It was magnifique!
Oh, and The Help was good, too. The pie was delicious.
Every night, millions of people go to sleep hungry. How do they have the willpower?
When people tell me they slept like a baby, I’m going to start asking “Oh, so you woke up your neighbors at 1 am, 3 am and 5 am?”
If people don’t start believing my excuses for why I can’t hang out with them, I’m going to have to have a kid.
If a person who doesn’t get sarcasm hung out with me for a day, they’d think I liked the things I talked about.
New study revealed about who Baby Fever affects most: Upper-middle class Caucasian women in their 30s and Dominican men of all ages.
Gay people should just take marriage from us all together. They’ll return it in better condition.
If you start a sentence by saying “I have no words”, then you should be quiet after that.
If Jerry Orbach searched my apt, he’d prob say “Did she watch a marathon of Breaking Bad for pleasure…or BUSINESS?”
I love LA more than NY. I prefer to take pills for recreation as opposed to for medical reasons.
The swelling from this past weekend’s accident is finally going down. To re-phrase: The bloating from this past weekend’s eating.
If you have a crush on me, I encourage you to speak out! I need things fixed in my apartment.
If you are bored at your own party, the best way to end the night early is pop in the soundtrack to Beaches.
Have you ever poisoned someone…and then called them the next day…and then been surprised when they answer the phone?
My boss asked to meet me in a cafe. In case she fires me like Jerry Maguire I’m grabbing my rolodex of hockey players on the way.
Most people notice time pass through their children. I notice time pass when my cleaning lady comes and I say “It’s been 3 weeks already???”
The line to the restroom doesn’t get smaller if you eye it from your seat.
10. Two massholes standing neck-deep in the ocean in Cape Cod, drinking beer.
Guy 1: “Thez shahks heah. Lotsa shahks.”
Guy 2: “I’d swim and wouldn’t look back.”
Guy 1: Where you gonna go? They can pick their teeth with your elbow.”
Guy 2: “F-ck.”
9. Guy lying inside a kayak, which is lying on the ground next to a pool, talking to his friend, who in turn is treading water in the pool while wearing a life-vest.
Guy 1: “Once college football season starts, you can find me on the couch every Saturday from noon – 7 pm.”
Guy 2: “You watch all the games?”
Guy 1: “Between naps.”
They both laugh.
8. Guy at a restaurant, at the next table from mine.
Guy: “Do you have any gum?”
Me: “No.”
Guy: “I don’t believe you.”
Me: “I’m chewing my last piece.”
Guy: “Can you give half of it to me, mouth to mouth?”
7. Guy on the subway takes out an audio-recorder and talks into it, in a loud, theatrical, “aside”, whisper.
Guy into recorder: “July 15, 2011. Still no job.”
6. Guy in LA, draped in a pink poncho and holding a bag of kiwis, running around a Whole Foods Parking Lot convinced somebody has stolen his car.
Guy in Pink: “Help! Help! I think my car’s been stolen!”
Whole Foods clerk: “What type of car do you have?”
Guy in Pink: “I don’t really remember. I took it from my friend’s driveway while he was sleeping. This was supposed to be a surprise!”
5. Guy on airport shuttle from JFK to Grand Central, talking into cell phone.
“I’m back, yo, but I’m not like, really back. Know what I mean, dude?”
4. Guy at Food Emporium at check-out, scratching his head.
“I meant to get Budweiser and instead I got all these frozen chicken dinners. Now I’m in a pickle.”
3. Guy on Facebook who wrote me a message:
“We’ve never met and I’ve never seen you perform, and I don’t know what your type is or whatever, but I know I could help you improve your act.”
2. Guy at a weekly show I do after I accused him of roofy-ing me.
Guy: “I didn’t roofy you. I’d never do that. I love you.”
Me (from stage): “Just admit it.”
Guy: “Okay.”
1. Guy in Puerto Rico at Salsa Club.
Me: “You and your friends should come dance with me and my friends.”
Guy: “You’re American and married. Where is this going to go?”
Me: “We’re not married.”
Guy: “Nah, that’s okay. I have to wake up at noon tomorrow for a wedding.”
It was 10 pm.
I watched 13 movies* in 2010. Here they are, from best to worst.
Please note: The rating of these movies are solely based on the opinion of Vicky Kuperman. They are in no way a reflection of the artistry or ability of the 13 filmmakers. If you are curious, I judged these movies in four categories: 1. Suspension of Disbelief. 2. Writing. 3. Acting. 4. Screen-time of Mark Wahlberg’s Abs.
Please also note: I did not see all the movies of 2010, therefore this list is based on my little world and nobody else’s.
Last note: Of these 13 films, I watched nine of them in the course of four days between December 24th and December 27th. Just a fun fact.
Best movie of the year. Many may not agree. I just didn’t see a better movie.
Story: See my blog: http://vickykuperman.com/2010/10/
Life Lesson Learned: When men don’t get laid, they create amazing things.
2. True Grit
Story: A girl who’s father was murdered in the wild, wild west hires a sherrif (Jeff Bridges) to find his killer and bring him to justice. Matt Damon, a Texas Ranger, tags along in the same search for a reward he wants on the same man’s head for crimes committed in Waco, Texas. The cinematography and music are beautiful, the story is poignant and simple and the humor weaves in seamlessly and often. It would be the best movie of the year if it wasn’t so distracting watching Matt Damon act in a mustache and knowing it’s Matt Damon and not a Texas Ranger. See it in the theater!
Life Lesson Learned: Matt Damon in a mustache will save your life once, but not twice…or three times.
3. The Fighter
Story: A boxer from Lowell, MA tries to do something with his life while his mother and brother try to keep him down. He meets a girl from a BAH named CHAHLENE (Amy Adams) who believes in him. The story is solid, the acting is amazing, the feeling is intimate. Best Supporting Actor Oscar goes to Christian Bale.
Life Lesson Learned: Mark Wahlberg has an amazing body.
4. Black Swan
Story: A ballerina (Natalie Portman) gets cast as the Swan Queen in her company’s adapatation of Swan Lake and begins on a psychological, paranoia-filled decline into the ultimate insanity that everybody is trying to take the role away from her. If you’re from Northampton, MA you may enjoy the bedroom scene between Portman and Mila Kunis. Incredible depiction of paranoia and the harsh world of ballet. The reason this film is not in the top two is that it was just too much of a stretch to see Natalie Portman as a ballerina. Even though she trained intensely for the role, she still comes across as an incredibly petite hip hop dancer. See it in the theater!
Lesson Learned: If there is something bothering you in your upper-mid back, you may just want to scratch it until it bleeds. After that, stick your finger in there and pull out a miniature black Christmas Tree. That could be the thing that’s been holding you back.
Story: The obligatory yearly christmas-time English Royal film. What makes this one special? Judy Dench isn’t in it! Prince George’s wife (Helena Bonham Carter) hires a speech therapist (Geoffrey Rush) to give speech lessons to the soon to be King George (Colin Firth). A friendship forms between Firth and Rush as they train His Royal Highness to pronounce his “P”s while digging into his childhood to find out the root of his Speech Impediment. A great film. No complaints. The story, however, is not strong enough to put the film into first place.
Lesson Learned: You can train for years for a nation-wide speech over the radio, but you still might have trouble with your “W”s.
Story: Really?
Lesson Learned: If Anne Hathaway offers you something to drink, it is probably good for you.
7. Eclipse
Story: Victoria has formed a Vampire Army to come for Bella and cause Edward the pain she felt when he killed her partner, James. Jacob and the werewolves form a temporary truce with The Cullens so they can fight the Vampire Army together. Bella and Edward get closer. Not only can he kiss her while controlling himself, but apparently she can cut herself and drip blood left and right and he is completely unphased. Is he on valium?
Lesson Learned: If Mark Wahlberg isn’t available, Taylor Lautner’s Abs will do.
8. The Town
Story: Four robbers in Charlestown, MA rob a bank and capture the bank manager. They drop her off somewhere near the ocean but they keep her ID, realizing that she lives three blocks away from them. One of the robbers (Ben Affleck) purposely runs into her at a laundromat and they start a relationship. Meanwhile the FBI is close to cracking the case and receive an inside tip about their next heist, also declared by Ben Affleck that it will be his last. But before he can wipe his hands clean of the criminal life, he needs to come clean to his girl. The last bank scene is done quite well and in general, it is a good, solid film.
Lesson Learned: If a guy picks you up in a laundromat and has all sorts of ideas about what you should report to the FBI and what you shouldn’t, then he is probably the same guy who held you at gunpoint at your bank and pushed you into the back of a van.
Story: Julia Roberts leaves her husband to find herself in Italy, India and Indonesia. The scenery is nice and the amazing cast of supporting men defray Julia’s annoying-ness.
Lesson Learned: When Javier Bardem pops in a mix tape, takes your hand, looks you in the eye, points to the bedroom and says “It’s Time”, then I think that means he’s going to take off your clothes with or without your consent. Enjoy yourself.
10. Date Night
Story: A case of mistaken identity at a popular New York City restaurant leaves Steve Carrell and Tina Fey, a married couple from New Jersey, running from goons, FBI officials and cops.
Lesson Learned: Mark Wahlberg has an amazing body.
11. The Other Guys
Story: Mark Wahlberg and Will Ferrell are two mis-matched NYPD partners. They accidentally run into a mean man who does bad things and begin uncovering all his badness. Will Ferrell’s wife is Eva Mendes and Mark Wahlberg can’t get over her hotness and his idiocy. Not a good film. It falls apart after the first 10 minutes and the final message is confusing.
Lesson Learned: Mark Wahlberg has an amazing body.
12. Burlesque
Story: A girl from Iowa (Christina Aguillera) steals some money from the cash register of the bar she works at and gets a one-way bus ticket to L.A. to become a singer. She camps out at a Burlesque club and rises to be the main attraction. She develops a crush on the bartender, who at first she thought was gay and then finds out he has a girlfriend. (It always works out that way, doesn’t it?) Cher, the club owner, has financial problems and struggles with the notion of selling her club to an evil businessman (McSteamy from Grey’s Anatomy). At the end, everything works out. The singing and dancing in the movie is great but close your ears and eyes when they’re not singing or dancing. The acting is horrendous and the script is worse. Also, Christina Aguillera does not develop as a performer. The first time she gets on stage, she is suddenly Christina Aguillera. They got lazy and there’s too many holes in the film. It would be the worst movie I saw this year, but unfortunately I rented Wall Street.
Lesson Learned: Buy the Air (yes, the physical Air) above your house because that will come in handy when it’s time to barter with people who want to build Malls.
13. Wall Street
Story: Who cares? The movie SUCKED.
Lesson Learned: Don’t rent Wall Street.
* Also saw “The Tourist” but it is not a movie. It is a 2-hour photo shoot with Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie on the canals of Venice. They don’t speak. See the slide-show at a theater near you.
“Comedy Ain’t Pretty” a wise woman once said.
Why wasn’t I raised to listen to wise women?
Alright, the top 5 experience I’ve ever had on stage. Ever. Let’s start with the 5th least painful and get more painful as the list goes on:
5. Within my first 6 months of doing comedy, I did a spot on a New Talent show that was at 4 pm on a Saturday. The host didn’t show up (because he knew better) so we were tag-teaming it. The guy who went first didn’t have a good set so he gracefully got off the stage in this manner: “Fuck you and your families. Up next: Vicky Kuperman.” I got up and completely blanked. I decided to try new material for 7 minutes about Politics and Islam. Finally, the host clapped me off stage. The obese coke-head comedian I had been chummy with prior to going up just patted me on the shoulder and said “Ya did fine. Whatever. It’s just 7 minutes of your life. And their life. And our life. It’s fine. Ya did fine.” and moved 7 seats away from me. The Producer of the show didn’t talk to me for 3 weeks.
4. I opened for an X-Rated Ventriloquist in a hotel in Central New Jersey in March of 2008. 300 excited audience members there to see him. 300 pissed off audience members there to stare at me blankly with venom and anger. One guy threw up in his mouth a little from the disgrace he felt that somebody who he deemed as untalented as he deemed me could embarrass herself and think she belonged there. Afterward, I had to kill time with the ventriloquist and friends in a basement in NJ and the ventriloquist’s fans tried to dissect where exactly I went wrong in my 20 minute set. They concluded that I went wrong somewhere in the first 30 seconds. They then drove me to the bus station on the highway at 1 am and I ran for the bus on a sprained ankle. I cried myself to sleep that night and woke up the next morning clutching a bottle of whiskey and a picture of my grandmother.
3. I bombed so badly that I think the people of Afghanistan ran for cover. And I was in Long Island. I did so poorly at a Firehouse show that the women in the bathroom were actually angry at me when they saw me come out of the stall. It was as though I ripped their local schools of funding for their English programs so all of their children had been walking around not knowing English because of me. The Producer of the show pulled me aside afterward and before paying me my $50 (with an incredibly regretful sigh) he gave me a 10-minute speech which can be summed up in eight words: “If you suck, get off stage. And quit.”
2. I was assaulted by an Asian man at an open mic close to three years ago. He tried to bitch-kick me off the stage. He came at me with a can of Pepsi as a weapon. I tried to finish my set but he started screaming that he would beat me up. I tried to click my heels three times to get out of this nightmare but he took that as an invitation that the fight was ON. Finally, the host split us apart and I ran out of the room crying. I never saw him again. Because I killed him.
1. Coos Bay, Oregon. 2 shows in 1 night. A casino. Mill workers. 90% men who were over 65. Me as the feature. No host. 30 minutes up front. I led with Russian and Jewish material. I will say no more. Except for this: The headliner of the show and I spent the next day and a half together in his car and he spent the majority of it telling me I wasn’t funny and didn’t know what I was doing. Meanwhile, nobody’s heard his name in years. Because I killed him.
Want to try Comedy? Really? There’s other ways to see if your tear ducts work and how your body reacts to pills.
Stay warm and fuzzy and Happy Holidays!
Check out my schedule and see you in the audience!
What I learned from The Facebook Movie: When dudes don’t get laid, they do awesome things. All those times I said “No” to him, I said “Just you wait” to the world.
It applies to women too, doesn’t it?
Every time I break up with a boyfriend, I lose 10 pounds, take a shop class, go to Puerto Rico and make the paper because I discovered a planet.
And forget about breaking up for a moment – what about rejection, such as the kind that they portrayed Mark Zuckerberg to suffer from in “The Social Network?” Rejection can, and does, lead to invention…innovation…inspiration!
So, according to the Facebook Movie, if you want to be brilliant and stand out you should adhere to the following:
1. Don’t have sex, be mean to everyone, dress horribly, don’t give a crap what people think, screw over your friends, screw over your business partners and do it all so you can win back the person you alienated in the first place and who would still be with you if you didn’t call her a slut on your date and then refer to her breasts as being small to the entire city of Boston.
2. Patiently listen to somebody else’s idea, think of how you can improve upon it, build that idea instead, don’t communicate with the original person who’s idea it was and find a Latin friend who’s father has money so you can bring the idea to life.
3. Have Sushi with Justin Timberlake.
4. Don’t date an Asian girl who sets the scarf you bought her on fire (let your partner do that. You’re pushing him out, anyway).
5. Most importantly, include the word “bitch” on your business card. And it better be referring to you.
And don’t forget: Wear sweatshirts.
Thank you for joining me! Please check out my schedule page for live stand-up comedy performances every week in New York City!
On Episode 8 of Season 5 of Mad Men, Megan, Don Draper’s second wife, tells Don that she wants to leave Sterling Cooper Draper Price to go back to her real passion, acting. She offers to give notice and train her replacement. Don responds to her by telling her that she can leave at once and there is no need for her to train her replacement. Her last day will be tomorrow. One can’t help but think that there is a bit of resentment and hostility in his quick decision – secretly mad and disappointed that he and his wife don’t share the same thrill from landing an ad campaign for, say, beans.
But Don has a point. If an employee is already distracted by their dreams, which have nothing to do with the job they do for you, is it really beneficial to have them around for 2-4 weeks longer? Maybe it really is best to let them fly away. The company existed before Megan got there and continues to exist after she leaves. So why do so many people feel so guilty about leaving their job, and never feel like they are giving enough at the end – even if they’ve given years to the company, gave one month’s notice and thoroughly trained their replacement?
Which leads to this question, played out in Made Men scene and in many real people’s daily lives:
Is there such a thing as giving too much notice at a job?
The answer is YES! And I’m the sucker who gave it!
Bush probably met with Obama once or twice to show him a few files and how to sleep at your desk without anyone noticing. For some reason, at the last job I left, I felt that my resignation should surpass a Presidential one and I gave one month with the option of freelancing after if not everything was in place. Most people told me it was unnecessary, extraneous and excessive, but I really had no other option. Or so I thought.
The appropriate number of weeks’ notice depends on many variables, like whether you have a contract that states the amount you’re supposed to give, whether it’s a busy time of year for the company or many other factors found in this great list of guidelines. Of course, if you have another job you’re starting right away, it could depend on when that company needs you as well. Yes, you should always leave your job with dignity but no, you don’t have to give six months in order to do that.
Here’s what may happen if you give a generous one month’s notice. I am basing this premonition on my blood-stained diary entries from my last month of my job in 2009:
Week 1: Everyone circles around you like a gaggle of geese upon hearing the news. You suddenly realize the people who you thought hated you are going to miss you more than their dead uncle. One person even bakes you a cake with Quaißl eggs and leaves it in a basket. And that person works on a different floor and at a different company. Towards the end of the first week, you and your co-workers have bonded so much that you apply to play in “Family Feud: The Workplace Edition.”
Week 2: You come in that Monday to a list of things you can’t forget to do before leaving. It’s a scroll, really, and it’s so long that it hangs out the window and touches down on Broadway and 34th St. And you work in Staten Island.
Week 3: You start coming into work with an extra bounce in your step, with the taste of freedom on the tip of your tongue while your co-workers begin to slowly turn on you. You catch on to this after receiving your fourth piece of hate-mail written in newspaper cut-out letters. Then you notice them logging into your Facebook account and posting Satanic Verse on your page. By Thursday night of Week Three, they are burning a Vodou doll of your body on the High Line.
Week 4: There is still no replacement and no job posting on any career website. You ask your boss if they’re planning to hire somebody and he has an unintelligible nervous breakdown at your feet. “How can you leave us?” followed by “Please don’t go!” followed by “WE NEED MORE TIME! YOU DIDN’T GIVE ENOUGH! EVERYONE KNOWS IT TAKES 20 WEEKS TO FIND SOMEONE!”
More time? I gave you a month! How much more time do you need?
Lesson Learned: Give two weeks notice unless your contract states otherwise, change your name and ask the stranger with the quail eggs for a reference. And if you see smoke coming from the High Line, you know it’s probably time to pack up.
But do your best to make sure your co-workers don’t feel like you threw them under the bus. You may need a reference down the road and of course you’ll all have to get along for your close-ups of “Family Feud: The Workplace Edition.”
If you want to see me do stand-up comedy live, please check out my schedule and come say hi!
I used to have a lot of luck in dating. Back in 2006-2007, I hooked up with so many guys, my friends came up with a great nickname for me: a whore. How I wish I could come close to earning that title again!
Alas, I’m 2 months out of a 2-year relationship and my coolness factor has diminished slightly. I seem to attract men for a minute or two before they change direction. They don’t even move on to another girl. They just go home. They are faced with spending the night with me or snoring face down into their pillow, and they choose the latter. At least snore face down onto me! Something! Anything?
I feel like a divorced person who doesn’t know how to act in the real world anymore because they’ve been living in make-believe marriage land, spending their weekend days at Target and their weekend nights playing board games with other couples. I don’t know how to get a guy to close the deal but I do know how to make you guess the word “Computer” without using the words “keyboard”, “mouse”, “monitor”, “MAC” or “PC.”
What does it take to get a consistent hook-up in this city? I’ll make you a key! I’ll even pay for the replica. I live in a building without a buzzer, so I always have to go down and let people in. If it’s a prospective date, we usually lose interest in each other on the elevator ride back up. If I make you a key, you can come in and keep the lights off. That way, we start out well. I don’t even need to see your face. Switch out with your friend if you want. The cute one, though. Please. No grenades in my apartment, as The Situation would say.
I went back home recently for a 3-day weekend and tried to unsuccessfully hook up with 3 different guys. One was out of town (lame), one couldn’t get wheels (loser) and on the third night my friend showed up with the promise of hooking me up with his handsome buddy only to start hitting on me himself. It was all smoke and mirrors. A bait and switch! It’s like a Realtor promising me a 2-bedroom in the West Village with a doorman and then showing me the current apartment I live in and don’t want. “See? Isn’t this great? Sorry about the mess. This tenant is not exactly tidy. Maybe that’s why she lives alone if you know what I mean. There’s no view or air, but you already know that. The fire escape opens up right onto your head when you sleep at night, so sleep with mace and maybe a Machete. Your neighbor Harold will come introduce himself to you, because he is obliged to. By law. Anyway, this studio is going for $2k a month plus first, last and a 15% Realtor’s fee. You want it?”
No, I don’t want it! I want something new! But that Realtor was really cute. And he does have my key…
Stay hot and stay loose!
Check out my schedule and come back soon.
And don’t forget: Treat yourself today.