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Vicky Kuperman Comedian & Writer
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I didn’t see every movie released last year. I didn’t even see every movie nominated. This is a list of movie reviews, from worst to best, in my world, and in my opinion.
2010′s main character, Mark Wahlberg’s Chest, has been replaced by 2011′s main character, Ryan Gosling’s Close-up.
My reviews of the 20 movies I saw in 2011, from WORST to BEST!
20. Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part I – If you’ve ever been interested to know what a C-section looks like, or what it feels like to drink blood through a straw, then this movie is for you. Otherwise, it is the worst movie of the year.
19. The Muppets – The jokes that worked in 1989 still work! NOT.
18. The Dilemma – I really don’t understand one thing about this movie: WTF IS THE DILEMMA? There’s no dilemma! He could have just told his friend what was going on.
17. Horrible Bosses – Horrible. Movie.
16. Justin Bieber: Never Say Never – I watched it on a plane, on valium, and in spanish. So…it was great!
15. Our Idiot Brother – Save it for the plane.
14. Hangover 2 – The monkey is so funny! And Chow is, too! The rest of the movie isn’t. Instead of watching Hangover 2, Watch Hangover. Same movie, but way better.
13. Hall Pass – Christina Applegate is the best part of this movie.
12. Water For Elephants – The vampire, hollywood’s favorite blonde & the nazi from that tarantino movie all play it well. The elephant is cute. The story – eh.
11. Young Adult – Charlize Theron! I see you! I see you! You’re beautiful! You can’t fool me! Good script. No redeeming qualities of the main character. Patton Oswalt’s character is weird on top of weird on top of damaged on top of disturbing on top of weird. But the movie was okay. Save it for the home.
10. Moneyball – Good, but slower than a little league game. Which is a good thing if your Little League game has Brad Pitt standing around screaming at everyone.
9. Planet of the Apes – GREAT MOVIE! except the script. GREAT ACTING! except the people. But the APES were amazing. The facial expressions, the emotional evolution. Wow.
8. War Horse – I didn’t see the movie but I saw the play! The puppets were amazing! But take away the puppets and you have Seabiscuit. I bet.
7. Bridesmaids – Funny. Very funny. Well-acted. Great script. Great leading and supporting cast. Smart, clever, fun. Hopefully the next chick-based comedy won’t be about weddings.
6. Bad Teacher – Hilarious. Close to perfect script. Cameron Diaz plays it flawlessly. Funnier and better than Bridesmaids. Because women are about more than weddings! We’re also about breast implants, money, sleeping around and ruining other people’s lives. So there!
5. Girl With The Dragon Tattoo – I hate men. I was raped. I was tortured. Never again. Oh wait – I’m in a cottage with Daniel Craig? Ok, my clothes are off. Let’s go. I don’t have much time. I have to rest before we do this again. Oh, and also: I read the book. And thyat deedn’t hyappen like thyat! I see you! I see what you’re doing!
4. Ides of March – drool. drool. omg. what? wow. he’s hot. so is he. I’m getting dizzy. It’s like watching a tennis match. Where should I look next? Can the projectionist pause this for a sec? No seriously, I’m going to faint. Oh look! Philip Seymour Hoffman! Great actor.
3. Crazy Stupid Love – One of the best movies of the year. Some great writing, characters and twists. Ryan Gossling’s close-up deserves an Oscar.
2. The Descendants – George Clooney is not that appealing of a man in this. So you know he did a good job. Good movie. The actors were all great.
1. Midnight In Paris – Amazing script. Owen Wilson and his Lost Generation counterparts are superb. It makes you want to befriend a rich lesbian so you can sit in her parlor and gossip about who’s sleeping with whom.
Thank you!
PS: I saw The Artist, that film, you know the one, the one that, you know, won. It was good! It was great! It was magnifique!
Oh, and The Help was good, too. The pie was delicious.
Every night, millions of people go to sleep hungry. How do they have the willpower?
When people tell me they slept like a baby, I’m going to start asking “Oh, so you woke up your neighbors at 1 am, 3 am and 5 am?”
If people don’t start believing my excuses for why I can’t hang out with them, I’m going to have to have a kid.
If a person who doesn’t get sarcasm hung out with me for a day, they’d think I liked the things I talked about.
New study revealed about who Baby Fever affects most: Upper-middle class Caucasian women in their 30s and Dominican men of all ages.
Gay people should just take marriage from us all together. They’ll return it in better condition.
If you start a sentence by saying “I have no words”, then you should be quiet after that.
If Jerry Orbach searched my apt, he’d prob say “Did she watch a marathon of Breaking Bad for pleasure…or BUSINESS?”
I love LA more than NY. I prefer to take pills for recreation as opposed to for medical reasons.
The swelling from this past weekend’s accident is finally going down. To re-phrase: The bloating from this past weekend’s eating.
If you have a crush on me, I encourage you to speak out! I need things fixed in my apartment.
If you are bored at your own party, the best way to end the night early is pop in the soundtrack to Beaches.
Have you ever poisoned someone…and then called them the next day…and then been surprised when they answer the phone?
My boss asked to meet me in a cafe. In case she fires me like Jerry Maguire I’m grabbing my rolodex of hockey players on the way.
Most people notice time pass through their children. I notice time pass when my cleaning lady comes and I say “It’s been 3 weeks already???”
The line to the restroom doesn’t get smaller if you eye it from your seat.
10. Two massholes standing neck-deep in the ocean in Cape Cod, drinking beer.
Guy 1: “Thez shahks heah. Lotsa shahks.”
Guy 2: “I’d swim and wouldn’t look back.”
Guy 1: Where you gonna go? They can pick their teeth with your elbow.”
Guy 2: “F-ck.”
9. Guy lying inside a kayak, which is lying on the ground next to a pool, talking to his friend, who in turn is treading water in the pool while wearing a life-vest.
Guy 1: “Once college football season starts, you can find me on the couch every Saturday from noon – 7 pm.”
Guy 2: “You watch all the games?”
Guy 1: “Between naps.”
They both laugh.
8. Guy at a restaurant, at the next table from mine.
Guy: “Do you have any gum?”
Me: “No.”
Guy: “I don’t believe you.”
Me: “I’m chewing my last piece.”
Guy: “Can you give half of it to me, mouth to mouth?”
7. Guy on the subway takes out an audio-recorder and talks into it, in a loud, theatrical, “aside”, whisper.
Guy into recorder: “July 15, 2011. Still no job.”
6. Guy in LA, draped in a pink poncho and holding a bag of kiwis, running around a Whole Foods Parking Lot convinced somebody has stolen his car.
Guy in Pink: “Help! Help! I think my car’s been stolen!”
Whole Foods clerk: “What type of car do you have?”
Guy in Pink: “I don’t really remember. I took it from my friend’s driveway while he was sleeping. This was supposed to be a surprise!”
5. Guy on airport shuttle from JFK to Grand Central, talking into cell phone.
“I’m back, yo, but I’m not like, really back. Know what I mean, dude?”
4. Guy at Food Emporium at check-out, scratching his head.
“I meant to get Budweiser and instead I got all these frozen chicken dinners. Now I’m in a pickle.”
3. Guy on Facebook who wrote me a message:
“We’ve never met and I’ve never seen you perform, and I don’t know what your type is or whatever, but I know I could help you improve your act.”
2. Guy at a weekly show I do after I accused him of roofy-ing me.
Guy: “I didn’t roofy you. I’d never do that. I love you.”
Me (from stage): “Just admit it.”
Guy: “Okay.”
1. Guy in Puerto Rico at Salsa Club.
Me: “You and your friends should come dance with me and my friends.”
Guy: “You’re American and married. Where is this going to go?”
Me: “We’re not married.”
Guy: “Nah, that’s okay. I have to wake up at noon tomorrow for a wedding.”
It was 10 pm.
I watched 13 movies* in 2010. Here they are, from best to worst.
Please note: The rating of these movies are solely based on the opinion of Vicky Kuperman. They are in no way a reflection of the artistry or ability of the 13 filmmakers. If you are curious, I judged these movies in four categories: 1. Suspension of Disbelief. 2. Writing. 3. Acting. 4. Screen-time of Mark Wahlberg’s Abs.
Please also note: I did not see all the movies of 2010, therefore this list is based on my little world and nobody else’s.
Last note: Of these 13 films, I watched nine of them in the course of four days between December 24th and December 27th. Just a fun fact.
Best movie of the year. Many may not agree. I just didn’t see a better movie.
Story: See my blog: http://vickykuperman.com/2010/10/
Life Lesson Learned: When men don’t get laid, they create amazing things.
2. True Grit
Story: A girl who’s father was murdered in the wild, wild west hires a sherrif (Jeff Bridges) to find his killer and bring him to justice. Matt Damon, a Texas Ranger, tags along in the same search for a reward he wants on the same man’s head for crimes committed in Waco, Texas. The cinematography and music are beautiful, the story is poignant and simple and the humor weaves in seamlessly and often. It would be the best movie of the year if it wasn’t so distracting watching Matt Damon act in a mustache and knowing it’s Matt Damon and not a Texas Ranger. See it in the theater!
Life Lesson Learned: Matt Damon in a mustache will save your life once, but not twice…or three times.
3. The Fighter
Story: A boxer from Lowell, MA tries to do something with his life while his mother and brother try to keep him down. He meets a girl from a BAH named CHAHLENE (Amy Adams) who believes in him. The story is solid, the acting is amazing, the feeling is intimate. Best Supporting Actor Oscar goes to Christian Bale.
Life Lesson Learned: Mark Wahlberg has an amazing body.
4. Black Swan
Story: A ballerina (Natalie Portman) gets cast as the Swan Queen in her company’s adapatation of Swan Lake and begins on a psychological, paranoia-filled decline into the ultimate insanity that everybody is trying to take the role away from her. If you’re from Northampton, MA you may enjoy the bedroom scene between Portman and Mila Kunis. Incredible depiction of paranoia and the harsh world of ballet. The reason this film is not in the top two is that it was just too much of a stretch to see Natalie Portman as a ballerina. Even though she trained intensely for the role, she still comes across as an incredibly petite hip hop dancer. See it in the theater!
Lesson Learned: If there is something bothering you in your upper-mid back, you may just want to scratch it until it bleeds. After that, stick your finger in there and pull out a miniature black Christmas Tree. That could be the thing that’s been holding you back.
Story: The obligatory yearly christmas-time English Royal film. What makes this one special? Judy Dench isn’t in it! Prince George’s wife (Helena Bonham Carter) hires a speech therapist (Geoffrey Rush) to give speech lessons to the soon to be King George (Colin Firth). A friendship forms between Firth and Rush as they train His Royal Highness to pronounce his “P”s while digging into his childhood to find out the root of his Speech Impediment. A great film. No complaints. The story, however, is not strong enough to put the film into first place.
Lesson Learned: You can train for years for a nation-wide speech over the radio, but you still might have trouble with your “W”s.
Story: Really?
Lesson Learned: If Anne Hathaway offers you something to drink, it is probably good for you.
7. Eclipse
Story: Victoria has formed a Vampire Army to come for Bella and cause Edward the pain she felt when he killed her partner, James. Jacob and the werewolves form a temporary truce with The Cullens so they can fight the Vampire Army together. Bella and Edward get closer. Not only can he kiss her while controlling himself, but apparently she can cut herself and drip blood left and right and he is completely unphased. Is he on valium?
Lesson Learned: If Mark Wahlberg isn’t available, Taylor Lautner’s Abs will do.
8. The Town
Story: Four robbers in Charlestown, MA rob a bank and capture the bank manager. They drop her off somewhere near the ocean but they keep her ID, realizing that she lives three blocks away from them. One of the robbers (Ben Affleck) purposely runs into her at a laundromat and they start a relationship. Meanwhile the FBI is close to cracking the case and receive an inside tip about their next heist, also declared by Ben Affleck that it will be his last. But before he can wipe his hands clean of the criminal life, he needs to come clean to his girl. The last bank scene is done quite well and in general, it is a good, solid film.
Lesson Learned: If a guy picks you up in a laundromat and has all sorts of ideas about what you should report to the FBI and what you shouldn’t, then he is probably the same guy who held you at gunpoint at your bank and pushed you into the back of a van.
Story: Julia Roberts leaves her husband to find herself in Italy, India and Indonesia. The scenery is nice and the amazing cast of supporting men defray Julia’s annoying-ness.
Lesson Learned: When Javier Bardem pops in a mix tape, takes your hand, looks you in the eye, points to the bedroom and says “It’s Time”, then I think that means he’s going to take off your clothes with or without your consent. Enjoy yourself.
10. Date Night
Story: A case of mistaken identity at a popular New York City restaurant leaves Steve Carrell and Tina Fey, a married couple from New Jersey, running from goons, FBI officials and cops.
Lesson Learned: Mark Wahlberg has an amazing body.
11. The Other Guys
Story: Mark Wahlberg and Will Ferrell are two mis-matched NYPD partners. They accidentally run into a mean man who does bad things and begin uncovering all his badness. Will Ferrell’s wife is Eva Mendes and Mark Wahlberg can’t get over her hotness and his idiocy. Not a good film. It falls apart after the first 10 minutes and the final message is confusing.
Lesson Learned: Mark Wahlberg has an amazing body.
12. Burlesque
Story: A girl from Iowa (Christina Aguillera) steals some money from the cash register of the bar she works at and gets a one-way bus ticket to L.A. to become a singer. She camps out at a Burlesque club and rises to be the main attraction. She develops a crush on the bartender, who at first she thought was gay and then finds out he has a girlfriend. (It always works out that way, doesn’t it?) Cher, the club owner, has financial problems and struggles with the notion of selling her club to an evil businessman (McSteamy from Grey’s Anatomy). At the end, everything works out. The singing and dancing in the movie is great but close your ears and eyes when they’re not singing or dancing. The acting is horrendous and the script is worse. Also, Christina Aguillera does not develop as a performer. The first time she gets on stage, she is suddenly Christina Aguillera. They got lazy and there’s too many holes in the film. It would be the worst movie I saw this year, but unfortunately I rented Wall Street.
Lesson Learned: Buy the Air (yes, the physical Air) above your house because that will come in handy when it’s time to barter with people who want to build Malls.
13. Wall Street
Story: Who cares? The movie SUCKED.
Lesson Learned: Don’t rent Wall Street.
* Also saw “The Tourist” but it is not a movie. It is a 2-hour photo shoot with Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie on the canals of Venice. They don’t speak. See the slide-show at a theater near you.