The U.S.A. is obsessed with the concept of “parenting.”

There are books, magazines, TV shows, talks shows, movies and self-help seminars all based our how to “parent.” What kind of parent are you? Organic? Passive? Helicopter? “It takes a village”? Solitary? Pick them up when they’re crying? Let them cry until they’re 18?

It’s too much choice! What happened to the wife staying home with the children and trying to keep them alive and the dad going to work and trying not to get fired? This seems like the purest way to go.  And the most sexist. But sometimes sexist ends up being okay. I definitely wouldn’t want to work every day and have my husband (who doesn’t exist right now) stay home and put on yellow gloves to clean the oven. That’s not hot. I don’t care how liberal we get as a society. Men should NEVER wear yellow gloves. Unless they’re boxing. Then it’s okay. But they should always earn money. Chilean Sea Bass tastes a lot better when I’m not the one paying for it.

Sometimes both people in the marriage work and their nanny ends up being the parent. That’s all good, but then the child usually grows up believing he’s from Trinidad.

I wonder if parenting exists in the third world? I have a feeling there is only one type of parent and its name is: “I will try to feed you but if I can’t, I may have to sell you. In the meantime, go out to the square and beg some Australian and English tourists for pens and candy.”

I think this type of parenting may work the best. At least the parents knows there’s a way out. If worse comes to worse, Sandra Bullock will come save their child. Dare to dream!

What do I know? I’m childless and elated about it.

Come see me NOT talk about babies and parenting! I’ll be performing stand-up comedy live in October all over New York City. Check out my schedule page for details!

And don’t forget: have a great day!