I didn’t see every movie released last year. I didn’t even see every movie nominated. This is a list of movie reviews, from worst to best, in my world, and in my opinion.
2010’s main character, Mark Wahlberg’s Chest, has been replaced by 2011’s main character, Ryan Gosling’s Close-up.
My reviews of the 20 movies I saw in 2011, from WORST to BEST!
20. Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part I – If you’ve ever been interested to know what a C-section looks like, or what it feels like to drink blood through a straw, then this movie is for you. Otherwise, it is the worst movie of the year.
19. The Muppets – The jokes that worked in 1989 still work! NOT.
18. The Dilemma – I really don’t understand one thing about this movie: WTF IS THE DILEMMA? There’s no dilemma! He could have just told his friend what was going on.
17. Horrible Bosses – Horrible. Movie.
16. Justin Bieber: Never Say Never – I watched it on a plane, on valium, and in spanish. So…it was great!
15. Our Idiot Brother – Save it for the plane.
14. Hangover 2 – The monkey is so funny! And Chow is, too! The rest of the movie isn’t. Instead of watching Hangover 2, Watch Hangover. Same movie, but way better.
13. Hall Pass – Christina Applegate is the best part of this movie.
12. Water For Elephants – The vampire, hollywood’s favorite blonde & the nazi from that tarantino movie all play it well. The elephant is cute. The story – eh.
11. Young Adult – Charlize Theron! I see you! I see you! You’re beautiful! You can’t fool me! Good script. No redeeming qualities of the main character. Patton Oswalt’s character is weird on top of weird on top of damaged on top of disturbing on top of weird. But the movie was okay. Save it for the home.
10. Moneyball – Good, but slower than a little league game. Which is a good thing if your Little League game has Brad Pitt standing around screaming at everyone.
9. Planet of the Apes – GREAT MOVIE! except the script. GREAT ACTING! except the people. But the APES were amazing. The facial expressions, the emotional evolution. Wow.
8. War Horse – I didn’t see the movie but I saw the play! The puppets were amazing! But take away the puppets and you have Seabiscuit. I bet.
7. Bridesmaids – Funny. Very funny. Well-acted. Great script. Great leading and supporting cast. Smart, clever, fun. Hopefully the next chick-based comedy won’t be about weddings.
6. Bad Teacher – Hilarious. Close to perfect script. Cameron Diaz plays it flawlessly. Funnier and better than Bridesmaids. Because women are about more than weddings! We’re also about breast implants, money, sleeping around and ruining other people’s lives. So there!
5. Girl With The Dragon Tattoo – I hate men. I was raped. I was tortured. Never again. Oh wait – I’m in a cottage with Daniel Craig? Ok, my clothes are off. Let’s go. I don’t have much time. I have to rest before we do this again. Oh, and also: I read the book. And thyat deedn’t hyappen like thyat! I see you! I see what you’re doing!
4. Ides of March – drool. drool. omg. what? wow. he’s hot. so is he. I’m getting dizzy. It’s like watching a tennis match. Where should I look next? Can the projectionist pause this for a sec? No seriously, I’m going to faint. Oh look! Philip Seymour Hoffman! Great actor.
3. Crazy Stupid Love – One of the best movies of the year. Some great writing, characters and twists. Ryan Gossling’s close-up deserves an Oscar.
2. The Descendants – George Clooney is not that appealing of a man in this. So you know he did a good job. Good movie. The actors were all great.
1. Midnight In Paris – Amazing script. Owen Wilson and his Lost Generation counterparts are superb. It makes you want to befriend a rich lesbian so you can sit in her parlor and gossip about who’s sleeping with whom.
PS: I saw The Artist, that film, you know the one, the one that, you know, won. It was good! It was great! It was magnifique!
Oh, and The Help was good, too. The pie was delicious.