Vicky’s Stand Up Comedy

My Favorite Tweets

By Vicky Kuperman 6 years ago

A collection of some of my favorite tweets this year. My tweets. That I wrote.

Every night, millions of people go to sleep hungry. How do they have the willpower?

When people tell me they slept like a baby, I’m going to start asking “Oh, so you woke up your neighbors at 1 am, 3 am and 5 am?”

If people don’t start believing my excuses for why I can’t hang out with them, I’m going to have to have a kid.

If a person who doesn’t get sarcasm hung out with me for a day, they’d think I liked the things I talked about.

New study revealed about who Baby Fever affects most: Upper-middle class Caucasian women in their 30s and Dominican men of all ages.

Gay people should just take marriage from us all together. They’ll return it in better condition.

If you start a sentence by saying “I have no words”, then you should be quiet after that.

If Jerry Orbach searched my apt, he’d prob say “Did she watch a marathon of Breaking Bad for pleasure…or BUSINESS?”

I love LA more than NY. I prefer to take pills for recreation as opposed to for medical reasons.

The swelling from this past weekend’s accident is finally going down. To re-phrase: The bloating from this past weekend’s eating.

If you have a crush on me, I encourage you to speak out! I need things fixed in my apartment.

If you are bored at your own party, the best way to end the night early is pop in the soundtrack to Beaches.

Have you ever poisoned someone…and then called them the next day…and then been surprised when they answer the phone?

My boss asked to meet me in a cafe. In case she fires me like Jerry Maguire I’m grabbing my rolodex of hockey players on the way.

Most people notice time pass through their children. I notice time pass when my cleaning lady comes and I say “It’s been 3 weeks already???”

The line to the restroom doesn’t get smaller if you eye it from your seat.

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