“Stop it. You’re turning me on.” Top 10 things I overhead guys say this summer.
10. Two massholes standing neck-deep in the ocean in Cape Cod, drinking beer.
Guy 1: “Thez shahks heah. Lotsa shahks.”
Guy 2: “I’d swim and wouldn’t look back.”
Guy 1: Where you gonna go? They can pick their teeth with your elbow.”
Guy 2: “F-ck.”
9. Guy lying inside a kayak, which is lying on the ground next to a pool, talking to his friend, who in turn is treading water in the pool while wearing a life-vest.
Guy 1: “Once college football season starts, you can find me on the couch every Saturday from noon – 7 pm.”
Guy 2: “You watch all the games?”
Guy 1: “Between naps.”
They both laugh.
8. Guy at a restaurant, at the next table from mine.
Guy: “Do you have any gum?”
Me: “No.”
Guy: “I don’t believe you.”
Me: “I’m chewing my last piece.”
Guy: “Can you give half of it to me, mouth to mouth?”
7. Guy on the subway takes out an audio-recorder and talks into it, in a loud, theatrical, “aside”, whisper.
Guy into recorder: “July 15, 2011. Still no job.”
6. Guy in LA, draped in a pink poncho and holding a bag of kiwis, running around a Whole Foods Parking Lot convinced somebody has stolen his car.
Guy in Pink: “Help! Help! I think my car’s been stolen!”
Whole Foods clerk: “What type of car do you have?”
Guy in Pink: “I don’t really remember. I took it from my friend’s driveway while he was sleeping. This was supposed to be a surprise!”
5. Guy on airport shuttle from JFK to Grand Central, talking into cell phone.
“I’m back, yo, but I’m not like, really back. Know what I mean, dude?”
4. Guy at Food Emporium at check-out, scratching his head.
“I meant to get Budweiser and instead I got all these frozen chicken dinners. Now I’m in a pickle.”
3. Guy on Facebook who wrote me a message:
“We’ve never met and I’ve never seen you perform, and I don’t know what your type is or whatever, but I know I could help you improve your act.”
2. Guy at a weekly show I do after I accused him of roofy-ing me.
Guy: “I didn’t roofy you. I’d never do that. I love you.”
Me (from stage): “Just admit it.”
Guy: “Okay.”
1. Guy in Puerto Rico at Salsa Club.
Me: “You and your friends should come dance with me and my friends.”
Guy: “You’re American and married. Where is this going to go?”
Me: “We’re not married.”
Guy: “Nah, that’s okay. I have to wake up at noon tomorrow for a wedding.”
It was 10 pm.
These are marvelous – The ones regarding NY should be submitted to the NY “Dear Diary” section that comes out every Monday in the New York Times and is my favorite section of life observed/overhead) in Gotham. They would be perfect!
Keep writing – we need humor. xx
Thank you and GREAT idea! I will!!
Very funny. Although #7 was quite sad. I’m interested to hear what you have heard women say this summer.
If you saw how the guy in #7 was dressed, you wouldn’t be sad!
My ears don’t perk up when I hear women’s voices. #boycrazy
My favorite is #7, “..still no job”. I laughed out loud.