10. Two massholes standing neck-deep in the ocean in Cape Cod, drinking beer.
Guy 1: “Thez shahks heah. Lotsa shahks.”
Guy 2: “I’d swim and wouldn’t look back.”
Guy 1: Where you gonna go? They can pick their teeth with your elbow.”
Guy 2: “F-ck.”
9. Guy lying inside a kayak, which is lying on the ground next to a pool, talking to his friend, who in turn is treading water in the pool while wearing a life-vest.
Guy 1: “Once college football season starts, you can find me on the couch every Saturday from noon – 7 pm.”
Guy 2: “You watch all the games?”
Guy 1: “Between naps.”
They both laugh.
8. Guy at a restaurant, at the next table from mine.
Guy: “Do you have any gum?”
Guy: “I don’t believe you.”
Me: “I’m chewing my last piece.”
Guy: “Can you give half of it to me, mouth to mouth?”
7. Guy on the subway takes out an audio-recorder and talks into it, in a loud, theatrical, “aside”, whisper.
Guy into recorder: “July 15, 2011. Still no job.”
6. Guy in LA, draped in a pink poncho and holding a bag of kiwis, running around a Whole Foods Parking Lot convinced somebody has stolen his car.
Guy in Pink: “Help! Help! I think my car’s been stolen!”
Whole Foods clerk: “What type of car do you have?”
Guy in Pink: “I don’t really remember. I took it from my friend’s driveway while he was sleeping. This was supposed to be a surprise!”
5. Guy on airport shuttle from JFK to Grand Central, talking into cell phone.
“I’m back, yo, but I’m not like, really back. Know what I mean, dude?”
4. Guy at Food Emporium at check-out, scratching his head.
“I meant to get Budweiser and instead I got all these frozen chicken dinners. Now I’m in a pickle.”
3. Guy on Facebook who wrote me a message:
“We’ve never met and I’ve never seen you perform, and I don’t know what your type is or whatever, but I know I could help you improve your act.”
2. Guy at a weekly show I do after I accused him of roofy-ing me.
Guy: “I didn’t roofy you. I’d never do that. I love you.”
Me (from stage): “Just admit it.”
1. Guy in Puerto Rico at Salsa Club.
Me: “You and your friends should come dance with me and my friends.”
Guy: “You’re American and married. Where is this going to go?”
Me: “We’re not married.”
Guy: “Nah, that’s okay. I have to wake up at noon tomorrow for a wedding.”
It was 10 pm.